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Mental Health, the Pandemic, and Kids

Research, Writing To Equip The Church

Where faith and mental health meet – An expert voice

"The majority of people with mental health problems never receive treatment."

Dr. Matt Stanford

Dr Matthew Stanford joined us recently for two episodes of the LifeSupport radio show and podcast.  Dr Stanford is the CEO of the Hope and Healing Center & Institute (HHCI) in Houston, TX and adjunct professor of psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine and Houston Methodist Hospital Institute for Academic Medicine. Few people are as qualified to speak about the intersection of faith and mental health as Dr. Stanford. He has a PhD in neuroscience and his research on the interplay between psychology and issues of faith has been featured in The New York Times, USA Today, Christianity Today, and U.S. News & World Report.

Here is some of the key information Dr Stanford shared with us.

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You can catch both episodes of the full interviews with Dr Stanford on our YouTube Channel

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On Motivation For Ministry

I have a PhD in neuroscience… but I’m also a Christian. Knowing I was in mental health, people in churches would pull me aside to ask me questions about their own mental health or their child’s mental health. And a lot of times they would ask me questions that had to do with the spiritual aspects of mental health, or tell me something that a pastor has said to them. Sometimes it was pretty disturbing, you know, it was a, you know, your depression’s just a sin. You need to pray more or things like that. And that kind of surprised me, cause I didn’t believe that then. So I kind of got interested in that and I came across a statistic, a couple of statistics.

One was that the majority of people with mental health problems in the U S never received any treatment. Also the first place a person with a mental health problem is likely to go is to a member of the clergy rather than a mental health care provider and that’s anyone in the general population. So I became just really fascinated by that, started looking into that and, and God ultimately used to that to lead me to run a full-time ministry that addresses the intersection of mental health and faith and equipping faith communities be more involved in mental health care.

On How Well The Church Is Responding To Mental Health

When I began this work almost two decades ago, there really wasn’t much of a conversation in the church and it was like pulling teeth to get anybody to talk about mental health. Now there’s a real conversation. I mean, people are willing to talk about it. It doesn’t always go much further than the conversation though. I will say that one of the benefits that’s come out of the pandemic, which are very few, is that people generally, even in the general population are very open to discussions of mental health issues now because the pandemic has brought mental health issues to the fore because of the isolation we’ve all experienced.

On The Pandemic

Churches have absolutely been overwhelmed by the mental health fallout from COVID so they are much more open now to this discussion of mental health. And so I I’m very, I say cautiously optimistic you know, a conference like this, that there are people who are actually interested in the intersection of mental health and faith and you know, it’s excited and exciting to see that. And so I really have a lot of hope for the future of the church in mental health.

On Kids And The Pandemic

“50% of teens have new or worsened mental health issues since the start of the pandemic.”

Dr. Matt Stanford

Kids are not dealing well with the pandemic.  If you look at the data on kids and mental health issues, since the start of the pandemic, one study came out that said that 50% of the parents of teens are  reporting that their team now has a worsened or new mental health condition since the start of the pandemic. When you expose children, particularly younger children to these adult issues, you know, like, you know, kind of these culture war, mask arguments and issues like those, they simply don’t have the cognitive and verbal abilities to deal with it.

So, if they see you having a lot of fear, uh, they’re modeling your fear, they’re modeling to try to learn, to be resilient and deal with stress. And so if you’re absolutely freaking out because your school district has mandated that your child wear a mask. A child doesn’t see that as a constitutional issue. They’re not able to process it at that level. And so you’re damaging your child.

What we’re seeing are dramatic increases in depression, anxiety, particularly in female, young females, in numbers we’ve never seen before, increases in suicide. Because of the isolation and the fear, but also because of this overarching kind of discussion, argument, debate that’s going on and they simply don’t know how to process it and we’re crushing them. And so step back for a moment and don’t worry so much about your constitutional rights and worry about your child.

I think that’s what Jesus would say. We need to worry about our neighbor. That was in a book I read one time it was in the Royal law or something. But the thing is we’re not doing that and our children are suffering and the isolation is really damaging them and we’re more worried about whether they have to wear a mask or not and less worried about the fact that they’re just being crushed by this.

Three Things That Will Help

Number one, limit the amount of news and media that you’re getting because you know, frankly most of it’s garbage, it’s not much news anymore. We get commentary and it’s overwhelming. And so personally, I have a process where I look at several websites in the morning to get some news, and I watch one news program in the evening and that’s it. I minimize the amount of news. I want to be informed, but I also want to make sure I’m not overwhelmed with the talking points thing.

Number two, don’t expose children to adult problems. I mean, they’re obviously exposed to the pandemic, but they don’t need to be exposed to your concerns, your anger about this or that, about  mask mandate. A mask mandate issue is not a child’s issue, that’s an adult issue. And so if you don’t believe that your child should be wearing a mask to school, but your school district has mandated it, having a fit at home about it, and how their constitutional rights are being violated, and then sending your kids off to school after hearing you complain about that damaging them. If you want to work to deal with mask mandates, you do that in the background, not with your child. Another thing is, I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with your child. How is this affecting you? The pandemic? How is, how is it affecting them? How do they feel? Are they afraid? Have conversations, have daily conversations about this so that they can have an opportunity to get those emotions out and learn how to express themselves.

Number three, I think you have to not stop living. I think that’s what a lot of people have done.  You can look at the pandemic as an opportunity to spend more time at home with your child, work in game night, have devotionals, just watch a movie. We have all this media at home, take advantage of that. Spend time with your children, spend time with your family. Don’t stop living just because a pandemic is going on. I also think that people should have days where they don’t talk about the pandemic at all.

Pandemic Attitudes Informed By Martin Luther

Martin Luther wrote this great letter. He was asked by a colleague. Was it okay? For Christians to flee the plague, to, to run, to get away from the plague or did that show a lack of trust in God or was it going beyond our calling? and Luther basically gave a very detailed explanation, but he basically said as believers we’re going to do what’s asked of us because we we’ve been told by God to obey the governmental authorities, but we’re also going to care for those around us. If we are in positions like pastor, or governor, or mayor or if we’ve been placed in positions where we’re supposed to care for people, we’re not going to flee because we’re going to meet our calling. If we’re just a citizen. Who just is supposed to care for themselves or their family. Well, then it’s okay to leave.

And I think the same thing here, I mean, I don’t, we don’t need to get into a discussion whether masks work or not, or whether vaccines work or not, what are we saying to the population about the way we’re acting as Christians. Christians care about people. Jesus cared about broken people. We’re acting more like we’re worried about ourselves.

Read the full Martin Luther letter reprinted with permission at Christianity Today.

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Things We Don’t Talk About In Church Part 2 – Doubt

Mental Health Stigma, Writing To Equip The Church

Doubt Comes With The Territory

At LifeSupport, our craft is telling stories.  We study the stories we collect and we see a lot of consistency in the way people talk and feel about their mental health struggles. One common area that people struggle with is doubt in God. We often hear during our interviews that people feel shame over the doubts they have. 

Doubt is an easy road when we are faced with challenges of life, particularly so when faced with mental health struggles (either our own or those of a loved one).  I have a friend who says he never doubts in God.  I don’t believe him.  I may be wrong, but I believe doubt is a part of our flawed humanity.  Doubt may lie dormant and hidden in some of us, but when life gets difficult, doubt awakens, and without care it can take control. 

The bible is riddled with passages that acknowledge doubt as a condition common to men and women.  In our current world, where newscasters seem to share more negative stories than positive, where connectedness breeds division rather than unity, and where God seems less and less visible in everyday life, is it any wonder that doubt is still a part of our reality? 

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The Dangerous Side-effects Of Doubt

  • Doubt Isolates Us from Other Believers – when someone thinks that their doubt is abnormal they try to hide it. Any time we attempt to conceal part of ourselves (even from those closest to us), we begin to isolate.  The more we isolate, the more we listen to our own voice rather than the voices of those who wish to love and support us.  Listening to a large dose of self-talk when struggling with mental health tends to feed shame and so, more isolation.
  • Doubt Feeds Fear – As a believer, I sometimes have times when my faith is challenged. When I see God as not having ultimate control, I tend to believe that if God isn’t in control, I must be. My response to that loss of connection to my faith is to fear what might happen as a result of me being in control of my life. As a believer, if I start to think that God isn’t really who I thought he was, then almost anything or anyone could influence what happens in my life.  When the surety and eternal truth of God is replaced with doubt, fear is bound to grow.
  • Doubt Changes our Self Image – Sadly, most of us know people who have turned from their faith. Many of those experienced doubt, and told themselves (or were told by others) that they should simply believe in themselves. When we doubt God we tell ourselves that we are capable of doing life on our own.  Our doubt interferes with our ability to see our lives in terms of God’s plan.  The problem is that this seems to work for a time.  Eventually though, life becomes too much for us to bear without the sustenance of God.  As most of us have seen, the resulting collapse is accompanied by pain and destroyed relationships, and sometimes death.

So What Can We Do About It?

Don’t Pretend It Doesn’t Happen

Most of us are hesitant to talk about the parts of life that challenge us.  We tend to make ourselves look like what we think of as “normal”.  The problem with trying to look normal is that we each can have our own definition of what “normal” is. People tend to take their cues from others about what they think they should look and act like.  In the case of believers, someone who is struggling will look to those they perceive as “good Christians” or their church leaders.  People may be suffering silently while trying to mold themselves to look like the people they believe have it all together.  One of the ways we tend to “keep up appearances” as Christians is to hide our doubt. The fact that all of us experience doubt in God from time to time seems like something we should hide.  The fact that we rarely seem to talk about doubt as a normal part of the life of a Christian feeds the stigma that people perceive.

As a church leader, being open about your own doubt has a tremendous effect on people who are looking for cues as to how to deal with their own. You can help counter the stigma of doubt by sharing your own stories of doubt AND the way you responded to that doubt.  Offer specific strategies and biblical examples that helped you fight back doubt.

Start some conversations about doubt in your church

Someone is afraid to ask you about this and they need your help (that may be someone on your staff). Here are a few ideas to get discussions started in your lobby, office or in a group setting:

  • Why do we doubt God?
  • Why doesn’t God eliminate our doubt?
  • What are some examples of doubt in the bible?  How do those help us understand our own doubt?
  • If there are times in your life when you struggled most with doubt, can you identify any reason that you were more prone to doubt in those particular times?
  • What do you do (or what could you do) to defend against doubt?

Things We Don’t Talk About In Church Part 2 – Doubt Read More »

Writing God's Story

Collecting Stories For Ministry

Ministry Strategy, Writing To Equip The Church

Collecting stories for ministry can be challenging.  But, sharing stories of God at work in our world is important and we have a great example to follow. The bible is (in part) a big story of what God has done in the past. Your church is filled with stories of what God is doing today.  We sometimes avoid the parts of God’s story that include suffering, but God’s story is a story of suffering and the rough patches are where our lives often intersect best with the bible.

There are people in your church who have suffered and they have stories to share that will help others who are walking through similar struggles. People with lived experience can be wonderful resources for you, but only if they understand how important their story is and only if you hear about those stories.

In an earlier article I discussed the way stories can be useful to your ministry.  Sometimes it’s hard to find stories in your own church that help people see God at work.  Here are a few idea for encouraging and gathering stories.

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Help People See God in Their Stories

Sometimes people have a hard time seeing God in their story.  One way to find stories is to explore what’s going on in the lives of people and then ask them a simple question, “Do you see God at work in what’s happening in your life?”  I think it’s easier for most of us to think of God working in the lives of others while we don’t consider that we should be getting his attention also.  Depending on a person’s stage of spiritual growth, they may need some help connecting the dots to recognize God’s hand on their back. Here are a few strategies you can pass along that will help people start to see where God is involved in their life, and where their life connects with scripture.

  • Reflect daily on your own life by keeping a daily journal of not only what happens in your life but your prayers too.  By keeping a record of your prayers (and those of others), you’ll be better equipped to see answers to those prayers.

  • After daily bible reading, reflect on when and how the scripture reminds you of people or events in your own life, or where it seems to apply to struggles or decisions you are faced with.

Lead By Example

Help people see how sharing their story can serve others by sharing yours to encourage and support others where appropriate. I’ve noticed that people who work in church ministry tend to shy away from talking about their own struggles and how they are leaning on God.  When ministry leaders are not transparent they can make others believe that it’s not okay to share their struggle either.  Most people who struggle with their mental health already feel a stigma around sharing openly. Few people are better placed to counteract the stigma of mental illness than church leaders.

Be Curious

Don’t be afraid to ask people for stories.  Most people love to talk about themselves.  You know that person on your staff who really loves to connect with people and find out what’s going on with their lives?  Teach yourself to be more like them.  In fact, teach yourself to be that person.  There isn’t much that’s more important to your ministry than knowing the people who are part of your church family.

Ask Group Leaders

You can’t know everyone and you can’t hear all the stories first hand.  If you have a groups ministry in your church, your group leaders are interacting on the front lines of life.  They are hearing stories every week that can illustrate not only the way God really works in today’s world, but the value of groups too.  Ask group leaders to bring those stories to you.  You will need to exercise some care here to make sure you are not encouraging gossip.  A “safe” way to collect stories from group leaders is to formalize a process.  Make sure that your leaders understand why you are looking for stories (to illustrate God at work in the lives of people) and that they in turn communicate that to their groups.  No group leader should share someone else’s story with anyone without first getting the okay from the relevant people in their group.  Group leaders should also be equipped to recognize stories that demonstrate God’s connection to our lives, and that encourage others.

Build a Story Culture

The easiest way to make story a part of your church culture is to start making it a part of your staff culture.  In fact, if your staff isn’t completely on board you are going to struggle getting your attenders to value story.  Take some time during staff meetings (at every level) to share stories that illustrate the way people are seeing God connections in their lives and in the life of the church.  Sharing these stories from the pulpit illustrate to the church that it’s normal to see God in everyday life. 

Make it Easy

Provide simple and numerous opportunities for the stories to come out. There are people in your church who are waiting to share their story. They have things they want to share but they don’t have anyone who knows them or who will listen.  You can provide simple (and accessible) ways for anyone to share a story of how they’ve seen God at work (this might also be a way for people to ask questions about how God might be working).  Here are a few practical tools for story-collecting:

  • Websites/publications – Many churches collect personal testimony stories as part of the baptism process. Provide the option for these stories to be shared with others and then distribute through printed material or create a section of your website where you can highlight these stories.  Encourage staff to refer to these stories during teaching/equipping opportunities.
  • Testimony nights (or just call it Story Time if you don’t want to be churchy). Schedule an evening event once a month or once a year when people can share a specific story about the way God has responded to their life. Ask people to prepare by identifying; what happened, in what way did God play a part in the outcome, how they know God was part of their story, what did they learn about God and/or themselves, how does/did this encourage them.
  • Story related bible study. Similar to testimony events but more interactive. Ask people to share their specific story and then enlist the group to help find biblical parallels and God’s intervention.  Or have participants pick out a story from the bible that helped them understand their own life experience, or themselves and discuss.
  • Create a special email address, place a “Story Dropbox” in your lobby, or other employ some other system where people can send you stories at any time they want.

God’s continuing story is being written in your church.  You can engage your church to help tell that story.

Collecting Stories For Ministry Read More »

A desperate man in the dark

Even Messy Stories Can Be Useful

Addiction, Ministry Strategy

There are people in your church who have suffered. They have stories to share that will help others who experience similar struggles.  If you work in church ministry, God has positioned you to hear, collect, and use those stories to help people know God.  The following is part of the way I saw God in my story.

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The Messy Part of my Story.

On Sunday morning, January 13, 2013 I arrived home after a 12-hour blackout, drunken drive around the Twin Cities.  I walked through the house, into our bedroom and passed out on the bed.  A few minutes later, I sat back up again and the bedroom was full of cops.  My wife had been in contact with the police through the night when I went missing and not knowing what condition I was in or what I might do, she called them to come over as soon as I got home that morning.

I was a mess. By that point in my years long addiction to alcohol, I had tried everything in my power to change my life.  I had reached a point where I could no-longer see a way forward.  I didn’t know how to do life anymore.  It made no sense to me.  I would drink till I passed out at night, hoping that I would just not wake up the next day.  But morning would come along, I’d wake up, and I’d think “You’ve got to be kidding me, I have to do this again?”

So I sat up in bed that day surrounded by cops, with no clue why they were there, and out of desperation I gave up.  I thought to myself, “okay God, if you are going to keep waking me up, you are going to have to take over. Cause I don’t know how to do life anymore”.  I said out loud “I give up.”  And I felt immediately, a sense of calm and certainty that everything was somehow going to work out. I didn’t know how, and I knew it wasn’t going to be because of me, because I had stepped away and placed God in charge. All I know is that I was absolutely content with whatever was going to happen. 

That day when I gave up and stopped trying to control my life, everything changed.  I went to the hospital that day and then to inpatient and outpatient treatment, through hundreds of support group meetings, all the while simply following along where God led me, meeting the people that God put in my path, people who would share their experience, their failures and successes with me, people who had credibility.

Here’s Why Messy Stories are so Important

When I was in my addiction I was utterly hopeless.  I used to stand in front of a mirror, with a bottle of vodka in my hand and say out loud “You are not going to drink.”   And you know what?  I drank every time.  Because I didn’t believe myself.  I was trying to listen to ME for life instructions, and I was simply not credible.

In order for me to believe change was possible, I had to hear it from someone believable. Until someone could convince me that they had been in front of that mirror too, and that they had been able to change I couldn’t see change as a realistic possibility.  Until I believed change was possible, change was not possible.

The stories of all those people that God put in my path, people who were willing to share the ugly truth about their struggles, those stories gave me hope that something different was possible, and that I could actually figure out how to do life again, because they had done it.

Here's Where You Come In

Credible stories of redeemed lives are rarely told, and they need to be told often.  If you work in church ministry, God has put you in the ideal position to hear, and gather stories like mine, and then help people see God in those stories.  In our next article we’ll be sharing some practical ways that story can help your ministry, as well as strategies for collecting stories from the people in your church.

We Have Many More Stories To Share

You can hear more of my (Lee’s) story and many more on the LifeSupport YouTube Channel.  The goal of our channel is to help people grow closer to Christ, and inspire hope and healing by sharing stories of real people who have face the struggles of life.  Subscriptions are important on YouTube.  More subscriptions makes our channel more visible which means we can help equip more churches, and we can reach even more people who need hope and healing.

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Helping People Serve From Brokenness

Ministry Strategy, Serving

Serving From Brokenness

Our recent podcast with Pastor Mark Clark of Village Church in British Columbia inspired this article on engaging people who may feel unqualified for ministry.

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In The Midst Of Struggle We Need To Feel Needed

Serving from brokenness can feel wrong.  When we feel broken in some way, we can believe that we don’t have any value to other people or to God.  Often when people experience some negative life event they may reach out to a few close supporters, but they will tend to isolate from their larger community at a time when a community of support is essential.  From a spiritual standpoint those in the midst of struggle can feel rejected or punished by God.  Isolation allows those thoughts to flourish.  A church family can provide places for broken people to feel that they are a part of God’s plan.

Tapping Unlikely People For Ministry

When looking for people to serve in ministry, it can be easy to look past the person who has experienced some struggle. We can look at the recent widow, the recovering addict, the person in the midst of marital problems, and think we don’t want to add to their burden. Maybe we think they have enough on their plate.  Sometimes that person does need to sit in the bench for a season, but consider God before dismissing that person entirely.

If you only engage the qualified in your ministry, you will be lonely.

God Sees The Qualified Even When We Don’t

Our guest for this week’s LifeSupport Podcast is Mark Clark.  Mark is the lead pastor of Village Church in British Columbia, one of the largest churches in Canada. Mark was an unlikely candidate for the church he planted.  He was raised in a non-believing household, when his parents divorced as a young child, the trauma helped trigger Tourette’s Syndrome, and obsessive compulsive disorder.  I won’t spoil the story (watch the podcast for all the details!) but as Mark was tapped to plant Village Church, his facial ticks, sudden bursts of swearing, and obsessive behaviors were on display for everyone to see, and apparently part of God’s plan to develop Mark as a leader.

It’s so easy to overlook the short kid when picking sides for the basketball team (I was often passed by) but sometimes the short kid, or the kid with Tourette’s is just the person for the job.

But I’m Not Qualified

Sometimes it’s not us who overlooks someone.  If you work in church ministry you’ve probably had someone decline your serving opportunity because “there must be someone who is a better fit.”  Like all growth, spiritual growth requires some challenge.  Don’t be afraid to challenge those who feel unqualified.  Here are a few ways to respond in this circumstance:

  • First, consider that they may be right, even ask them why they believe that they aren’t the right person. They probably know themselves better than you do, so make sure to take their opinion into account.
  • Explain why you think they would be a good fit. This requires that you know them and can honestly describe what it is about them that makes them a good fit.  This is your opportunity to ta about spiritual gifts and offer an assessment if you haven’t.
  • Share a story of when you felt un/under-qualified for something you were asked to do in ministry (hopefully with a happy ending).
  • Enlist the help of another volunteer who felt the same way at one time. In my experience, the opinion of other volunteers often carries more weight than that of a staff member.
  • Use this as a teaching moment and share some examples from scripture of people who were used by God. (I’ve noticed that people like being compared to bible characters).
  • Ask them if they’ve ever learned or been inspired by an unexpected source. If necessary, give them some time to think about this and get back to you. You may fall into a trap with this one so be prepared to offer your own example. 
  • Ask them to at least pray about the idea and get back to you next week (in person, not via email. It’s too easy to say no via email.) Don’t forget to get back to them.  Sometimes the second request to serve will communicate that you were really serious and they’ll give it greater consideration.

Sometimes Their Need To Serve Is Greater Than Your Need For The Right Person

Every day, for nearly two years during my early recovery from alcohol addiction I said this prayer (sometimes, many times a day) “God to show me where can be of service to you today.”  I know that for that two years, and beyond I stayed sober because God answered that prayer by showing me opportunities to serve.  If you look around your church you might see someone like me who is waiting for God to answer this prayer through you.  Someone lonely, or unsure about God, a newcomer, or someone who’s just barely sober.

Be Inspired!

I want to encourage you to watch the LifeSupport Podcast with Mark Clark. There’s a great deal of leadership wisdom in this half hour.  You will be inspired!

Helping People Serve From Brokenness Read More »

Things We Don’t Talk About In Church Part 1

Addiction, Mental Health Stigma

Things We Don't Talk About In Church Part 1 - Porn

During a recent LifeSupport podcast Pastor Paul Johnson was joined by Amber Fuller of Fuller Living Counseling. Amber shared her personal and professional expertise on the topic of sexual addiction and the church.  Much of the content in this article is a reflection of Amber’s podcast episode.

If We Don't Talk About It...

The list of things we avoid talking about in the church (in most places really) is long.  Porn is at or near the top of the list for most of us.  Most of us avoid talking about porn at all costs.  It turns out those costs are pretty high.  The challenges of porn are a part of our world and sadly a part of our church communities. The church has an opportunity to make a real difference in this widespread struggle. 

The bottom line is that people in your church are hurting as a result of porn.  It may feel impossible to talk about porn from the pulpit, in the lobby, or in our groups, but your church may be the only place that hurting person can find help.  If the church won’t talk about porn, who do we think will?

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More Common Than We Think

According to Amber Fuller, a licensed family and marriage therapist, more than 50% of the people in your church struggle with sexual addiction.   In a study in the Journal of Sex Research, roughly 55 to 70 percent of men and 30 to 40 percent of women under age 40 reported viewing pornography in a given year*

We all like to think that our church is different, that we are somehow “better than that”  The evidence says otherwise.  Every church needs to face the reality that porn is a part of the lives of the people who attend their church and very likely the staff of the church as well.

Why People Turn To Porn

To over-simplify, porn is used by people to feel good.  The deeper question to be answered is, why do they desire to feel better.  Like any addiction, porn is often an attempt to fill a perceived hole in life.  Porn may provide an emotional distraction, stress reduction, or it may simply be used to alleviate boredom.  If a person believes that something is missing from their lives, the church is ideally placed to provide simple, authentic connections, and opportunities to fill those missing needs through community, care groups, teaching, activities, prayer, and bible study.

Why We Hide It

We live in a world that judges others by what we can see from the outside.  Most people under the age of 60 have been conditioned to find approval through what they present to the world on social media.  The result is a reality with very little reality at all.

Each of us holds onto some specific beliefs (often wrong) about our value. Those beliefs and the things we hear from culture, and the church lead us to conclude that if we were to disclose a personal struggle with porn, that our value would decrease.  One of those beliefs is that they are defined by their porn use.  This leads to the biggest fear of all, “If I tell you who I really am, I might not be loved. If I tell you this one thing, I might not be loved.”

People who live with struggles that have been labelled as unacceptable live with a fear of being found out.  That fear tends to make them isolate themselves and resist deep relationships where vulnerability might be expected.

"The fact that we don't talk about these issues causes people to be isolated, which creates an acceleration of behavior that wouldn't necessarily happen if people felt safe talking about their problems."

Amber Fuller

The Shame Cycle

When we hide away the things that convict us, we feed a cycle of shame that keeps us isolated.  When a person uses porn (or engages in some other shameful activity), they  tend to trigger an inner voice that says “I’ve done a terrible thing”.  The cycle of shame then leads to  “I’m such a terrible person”.  Seeking relief, the person then engages in the activity again starting the cycle all over.  The cycle of shame not only perpetuates (and may accelerate) unwanted behavior, it leads to increased isolation.

The Consequences

The damage caused by the use of porn (or other sex addictions) comes in many forms; damage to marriage and family, trauma suffered by spouses, emotional separation, increased infidelity, separation and divorce, job and financial loss, damaged friendships, and suicide are all possible consequences.  Often the pain is widespread and massive. It’s pretty obvious why people are afraid to confess their struggles with porn.

It’s so human for us to focus on the pain and damage inflicted.  Injured people often ask why God allows such things to happen. A better question might be; I wonder what God will do through this pain?  Consequences sometimes need to happen in order for change to occur.  The pain of exposure is often the key element that allows healing to start, although that healing may take a very long time.

"If you're not disclosing your struggles and if you're not being honest about who you are, if you're walking around performing and acting like you're perfect, you're going to feel really lonely."

Pastor Paul Johnson - LifeSupport Podcast

The Power Of Vulnerability

 As stated earlier, it’s pretty easy to see why people hide their struggles with porn use.  Many of us believe that talking publicly about any personal problem will make others uncomfortable.  Sharing the things we see as problems can make us feel a loss of power or position.  So why take the risk of sharing your struggles?  Why be vulnerable? 

  • You need help – The simple answer is that if you have a struggle that you can’t change on your own, you are going to need to start being open and honest with someone in order to find help. Some of us have a hard time asking for help in part because it requires us to be vulnerable.
  • Vulnerability brings freedom – There is nothing that will help an addict more than finally sharing the truth about their struggle.  Often, the biggest burden an addict carries is the need to constantly hide.  Once the secrets are disclosed in an appropriate way, the addict will find a new ability to take practical steps forward for recovery.
  • Vulnerability grows connections – Think about the last time someone was vulnerable with you.  How did that make you feel?  When someone trusts us with an important part of who they are, we feel special and our connection with that person grows. 
  • Vulnerability is contagious – When we share with someone else we are communicating that it’s safe for them to do so as well.  If you are a leader who is vulnerable, the people you lead will know that you trust them, and will feel safe bring their struggles into the open rather than hiding them away where they can damage your organization.

"There is a freedom for this struggle, a freedom that can only be found in the Lord. That freedom looks an awful lot like community!"

Amber Fuller

Solutions

  • Start talking about it –  We’re not suggesting that you start a counseling service or that you preach about it once a month. But, when and where appropriate, don’t be afraid to “go there”.
  • Be seen as a safe place – People who are caught in a shame cycle need a safe place where they can safely talk (confess) about the things that are convicting them.
  • Prepare the support system – People who are seeking relief from their struggle need Christian community that is equipped and willing to be present as loving, prayerful supporters.
  • Identify your lead helpers – There are people in your church who have navigated these struggles in the past.  Seek them out to help you understand what it felt like to walk through this struggle and enlist them as part of your community of support for others who face similar challenges. 
  • Partner with other churches – There are probably other churches who are dealing with these same issues.  Perhaps there are opportunities for your people (staff and/or congregants) to participate in support groups at a location other than their “home church”.
  • Start formal support groups – There are a number of options to help you start support groups in the area of sexual addiction (see references and resources below).
  • Seek professional guidance – when you don’t know what to do.  The church has created a lot of unintentional pain in the past because those in authority have given inaccurate or incomplete counsel.  Mental health professionals can share much of the load in responding to people in crisis, and can free the church up to concentrate on spiritual care and community support. 
  • Educate yourself and your team – Study what the bible has to say about this topic and how it can inform your activities.  There are excellent resources available to help you learn how to respond to people who need support in the area of sexual addiction (see references and resources below).
  • Prepare for the storm – There is a real possibility that porn will become a problem for one of your church staff members.  We’d all like to think that our people know how to defend against being human but it’s simply not possible.  You and your church board would be well served by having a support plan in place for the day when a staff member brings forward a personal struggle.  It would also be wise to create safe opportunities for staff to share their personal struggles.

References and Resources

  • *Regnerus, Mark, David Gordon, and Joseph Price, “Documenting Pornography Use in America: A Comparative Analysis of Methodological Approaches,” The Journal of Sex Research 53, no. 7 (2016): 873-881.
  • Living In The Shadows LifeSupport Podcast with Amber Fuller
  • Fuller Living and Associates – counseling offices throughout Minnesota and via telehealth.
  • Recovery From Sexual Addiction – an interview by the National Association For Christian Recovery – with Dr. Mark Laaser, author of Faithful & True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World
  • The Conquer Series – video-based series for men addressing sexual addiction and purity, containing Biblical teaching and proven principles to help men conquer porn and walk in freedom.  For groups or individual study.
  • Pure Desire Ministries – Support groups.  Freedom from unwanted sexual behavior
  • Faithful and True – Individual counselling, group sessions and workshops.  Located in the Minneapolis area but with an international reach.  The Faithful and True website includes an online resource store where you can find The Pornography Trap  a book written for pastors and Christian leaders by Dr. Mark Laaser and Dr. Ralph Earle. It addresses the problem of pornography addiction, especially on the internet, and other sexual addictions.
  • Per Amber Fuller – “There is a SIGNIFICANTLY strong correlation between Narcissism and men that struggle with porn addiction. A FANTASTIC resource for pastors when it comes to this is Marriage Recovery Center. They actually have a training specifically for pastors on how to help people in this kind of relationship.

Things We Don’t Talk About In Church Part 1 Read More »

Are You Hiding God?

Mental Health Stigma, Ministry Strategy

Why It’s Hard For Ministry Leaders To Be Transparent

If you’ve looked at the news lately you’ve seen that the world is talking about mental health.  From sports stars, to musicians, to politicians, People are becoming more and more open about their mental health.  People are also waking up to the dramatic (and often tragic) effects of mental illness on our young people.

So why is there still a stigma around mental illness in the church?  As I was listening to a recent LifeSupport podcast I was prompted to write about the reasons why ministry leaders don’t talk about their own struggles.

LifeSupport Podcast

Guest: Ryan Alexander

Lead pastor, Hosanna Church, Minnesota

As a child and as a young adult, Ryan struggled with severe anxiety.  Like many young people today, he felt that the world wasn’t safe.  Ryan’s anxiety eventually overwhelmed him and his mental health problems culminated with two suicide attempts at the ages of 18 and 20.

During his appearance on the podcast Ryan shares some of his journey of healing and how God met him in the midst of his struggle.

Later in life Ryan would go on to enter ministry and shortly before taking over as lead pastor of a large church, he used a weekend teaching opportunity to share the story of his struggles with mental health. That opportunity to share gave him a feeling of freedom because he no longer had anything to hide.

Ryan received hundreds of emails thanking him for being so vulnerable.  Hearing this message of transparency made people feel more connected to him, and gave people in the church permission to deal with the problems in their own lives.  Since that message series 5 years ago, Ryan’s church has gone on to become a model of transparency and effective ministry for mental health (and many other areas).

“The story of the bible is a story of trauma in many ways”

Pastor Ryan Alexander

Paul and Ryan go on to talk about why pastors don’t often feel permission to talk about their struggles.  Here are a few reasons church leaders don’t talk about their mental health and our responses.

  • Fear
    • God is bigger than your fear.
    • There are people sitting in your pews who are also afraid. They are afraid to talk about their pain because they think that church isn’t a place where people talk about pain.  Those people need you to model vulnerability and Christian community.  Great leaders can look past their own fear to see the needs of others.
  • It’s Not About Me
    • Church leaders believe that the focus should be on God rather than them. We all know that people can put ministry leaders up on pedestals.  It is possible to “put yourself in the story” too many times and make it about you. But, most church leaders live in the shadows rather than the spotlight.  Sharing your personal struggles can be a great opportunity to connect with those you lead, and show how God works in real life situations.
  • I’m Not Qualified
    • Everyone is qualified to talk about themselves and how God is working in their life.
    • Most church leaders have very little training in dealing with mental health issues, and should not try to act as mental health counselors unless they have specific training. However, people who are struggling with their mental health have many needs that can be supported by the church.  Mental illness requires a community of care. The local church should be the first in line to help create that community of care.
    • You can partner with those who are qualified to do the things you can’t. There are Christian counselors and therapists in most areas, or who are available online.  Many of these professionals have systems in place for partnering with local churches and can walk you through the referral process.
  • I am expected to look like a “Complete Christian”
    • There are many churches where there is an expectation that the pastors will somehow not be human. If you are in such a position, you are being asked to do the impossible.  It is unhealthy, and unbiblical for Christians to pretend that normal human problems will not enter into the lives of church leaders.
    • There are probably people sitting in your church who actually believe it’s possible to somehow be a perfect Christian. Because they believe this, they pretend to be something they are not. The people you lead need you to show and tell them that there is no such thing as a complete or perfect Christian, that, the fact that we are not perfect is the whole point of Christ’s sacrifice in the first place. 

When you hide your problems you hide opportunities to show God at work in your life.

LifeSupport

We created lifesupportresources.org to help you start discussions about mental health, to help remove stigma so people can find hope and healing through God.  We pray that LifeSupport helps you grow your church.

If there are other reasons you don’t share your struggles we’d love to hear them and will treat your communication as confidential.  Please email any comments to [email protected]

Looking For Ways to Build Mental Health Ministry?

Check out our article – An Overview of Mental Health Ministry

Are You Hiding God? Read More »

She Thought She Should Kill Herself

Mental Health Stigma, Suicide

She Thought She Should Kill Herself - She Went To Her Pastor Instead

A pastor told us about a girl who was encouraged to kill herself by other teens online. A few rare and fortunate things happened that may have saved her life.

  • She attended a weekly student ministry.
  • She felt safe approaching her pastor for help.
  • Her pastor recognized that he had a role in caring for the mental health of young people.
  • Her pastor had a process in place to refer her out to professional help.

Most young people are not as fortunate.

  • Many young people have abandoned church (or never attended), in part because they don’t see church as relevant to their life or the struggles they face.
  • Many ministry leaders and volunteers have not been equipped to have serious discussions about life with young people.
  • Sadly, many churches still fail to recognize that Christ and the bible provide answers for the everyday struggles that people face (including mental health struggles).
  • Some churches are still resistant to work with mental health professionals to be part of a community of care for their church family.

The devastating truth is that an alarming number of young people are dying by suicide. The church can be part of the answer to this crisis.  With a small donation, you can help us produce resources that help churches fill their role in saving lives?

I'd Like To Help

She Thought She Should Kill Herself Read More »

Pastor in Prayer

Youth Suicide Stigma

Mental Health Stigma, Suicide

Stigma Of Suicide in Youth

We’ve been told by pastors, parents, survivors and therapists that churches need resources to address the stigma of youth suicide.  Here’s what Pastor Kevin shared with us.

“Many young people struggle with thoughts of suicide or self-harm during their teen and young adult years, and because of shame and fear, most of them tell no one. The church needs to be a safe place with effective resources to help start difficult conversations.”

There are a number of resources that train people to see the signs and symptoms of suicidal thinking but there aren’t resources designed for student ministry environments that share real stories to help people respond well and have healthy discussions about suicide with young people.

Please consider helping us create these resources to help start discussions, reduce the stigma, and support churches that influence young people for Christ.

Donate to help us at https://gofund.me/da08ab05

Read about Justin, a survivor of youth suicide here – https://lifesupportresources.org/a-survivor-of-suicide/

Youth Suicide Stigma Read More »

Suicide Survivors

A Survivor Of Suicide

Mental Health Stigma, Suicide

Justin - A Survivor of Suicide

Justin is a survivor of suicide.  He grew up in a good Christian family.  He grew up in the church and knew Christ since he was a little child. 

In the first grade. He began experiencing mental health issues and depression. Headaches and stomach pain were a common occurrence. Justin didn’t know if there was something was wrong with him, he just didn’t feel right. 

He first experienced suicidal ideations in the third grade. Death was on his mind constantly.  His mental health issues grew over time. By the time he was in high school, Justin knew he was in trouble.

Justin, like so many young people wanted a way out of the pain of depression. Off and on from the ages of 8-19 suicide was Justin’s companion.  Suicide was a way out and it was a way to make the pain stop.  Other people in Justin’s life thought there was something wrong but didn’t know how to help.

There are young people like Justin sitting in our churches, quietly struggling with thoughts of suicide.  Many of them will not survive.  People see that something is wrong but they don’t know how to help.

Will you help us create a resource so people will know how to help?  Visit our GoFundMe to learn more.

A Survivor Of Suicide Read More »

Meet the AACC

Do You Know The AACC?

Counseling, Writing To Equip The Church

Do You Know The AACC?

The American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) is an organization that is committed to assisting Christian counselors, the entire “community of care,” licensed professionals, pastors, and lay church members with little or no formal training.  Members of the AACC include both licensed mental health professionals as well as ministry leaders, and caring church members with little or no formal training. It is the AACC’s intention to equip clinical, pastoral, and lay care-givers with biblical truth and psychosocial insights that minister to hurting persons and helps them move to personal wholeness, interpersonal competence, mental stability, and spiritual maturity.

Partners For Referral

Many Christian mental health professions are member of the AACC.  These are professionals who live in our communities and who can be a valuable asset as referral partners for people in your congregation struggling with mental health issues.  Many of the mental health professionals who serve as advisors to us at LifeSupport are AACC members.  The AACC website provides a Find A Counselor feature listing professionals based on location.

Read more on understanding roles and partnerships in our Overview of Mental Health Ministry
Click Here

Resource Partners

We are pleased that the AACC recognizes LifeSupport as an official AACC Resource Partner.  The AACC provides opportunities for us to share LifeSupport resources with new churches and ministry leaders from all over the United States and world. We’ve seen firsthand that the leadership and staff of the AACC reflect Christ.  We have confidence to affiliate with the AACC in part because of the guardrails they profess in their Vision and Values as presented on the AACC website.

AACC Vision and Values

“The vision of AACC has two critical dimensions. First, we want to serve the worldwide Christian church by helping it become more mature in Christ, while taking on His heart of love and sacrificial care. Secondly, we want to be serving, educating, and equipping 100,000 professional clinicians, pastoral counselors, and lay helpers in the near future.

We are committed to helping the church equip God’s people to love and care for each other in the same spirit that Christ loves and cares for us. We recognize Christian counseling as a unique and case-based form of Christian discipleship, assisting the church in its call to bring believers to maturity in the lifelong process of sanctification- of growing to maturity in Christ.

We recognize that some are gifted to do so in the context of a clinical, professional and/or pastoral manner. We also believe that selected lay people are gifted to care for others and that they need the appropriate training and mentoring to do so. We believe that the ‘seat’ of helping ministry in the church is supported—must be supported—by three strong legs. These legs are the pastor, the lay helper, and the clinical professional, and it is to these three roles that AACC is dedicated to serve.

“So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.” Ephesians 4:11-13 NIV

Core Values

“In all of my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:4-6 NIV

OUR SOURCE: We are committed to honor Jesus Christ and glorify God, remaining flexible and responsive to the Holy Spirit in all that He has called us to be and do.

OUR STRENGTH: We are committed to Biblical truths, and to clinical excellence and unity in the delivery of all our resources, services, training and benefits.

OUR SERVICE: We are committed to effectively and competently serve the community of care worldwide—both our membership and the church at large—with excellence and timeliness, and by over-delivery on our promises.

OUR STAFF: We are committed to value and invest in our people as partners in our mission to help others effectively provide Christ-centered counseling and soul-care for hurting people.

OUR STEWARDSHIP: We are committed to profitably steward the resources God gives to us in order to continue serving the needs of hurting people.”

Stay Tuned!

Our relationship with the AACC presents opportunities to provide you with more mental health resource options.  Stay tuned as these are developed.

We invite you to explore all of the benefits of AACC membership and the resources they offer at https://www.aacc.net/

Do You Know The AACC? Read More »

Woman in grief

Grappling With God

Grief, Ministry Strategy

Table of Contents

It's Okay To Let Survivors Grapple With God

Grappling with God might not sound like a healthy activity.  But, depending on your perspective, grappling with God may be a necessary exercise.  The death of someone close to us creates a terrible new perspective and can bring all kinds of emotions to the survivor: Sadness, anger, regret and confusion.

Those who are members of a church, or have a strong faith, can begin to question God in relation to their loss.

“Where was God?”

“Why would God allow this to happen?”

When coming into contact with a survivor, it is important to remember that they are in a cloud, a fog, and things that make sense to most, may not make sense to them. They have just experienced a crushing loss and, most likely, they are grappling with God.

In today’s blog, we explore this topic through interviews with survivors from LifeSupport’s series called The Worst Loss.

Anger is a common emotion in grief

Why do people become angry after a tragic loss? It could be for a variety of reasons.

If their child was killed in an accident, they may become angry at the other party involved in the accident. Mentally, they may believe that their loved one was unjustly taken from them too soon.

A survivor’s anger can also be directed at God and those who try to tell them about God’s goodness and love.

In an interview with LifeSupport, Barbara Vernes talked about the loss of her son and the emotions that she felt as people in the church tried to support her, but just made her angry.

“Christians would say, ‘Oh, God is with you, He’s right there.’ I was angry. I would say, ‘I don’t feel Him. I don’t see Him. I don’t hear Him. I don’t know where the heck He is, but He’s not right here.’”

While writing her thoughts and feelings about the loss of her son online, some people even questioned her faith when she entitled one of her posts, ‘Where Was God?’

“I wrote, asking where God was and how the church wasn’t helping and this woman online said to me, ‘If your faith was stronger you wouldn’t be feeling this way.’ I thought to myself, ‘Are you kidding me? My beautiful son is dead. He’s never coming back. My faith isn’t a question.’”

There Is No Quick Fix For Grief

Barbara described how she was blinded by grief, anger and confusion.

“You can’t see anything. Nothing makes sense to you at that point.”

Those in the church that want to support a survivor in grief need to realize something important: The survivor may grieve for a very long time and there is no magical phrase, scripture or gesture that suddenly brings them back to who they were before their loss.

Grief if a journey, a unique journey for everyone. The last thing survivors need is for someone to question their faith when they are asking “Where is God?” Questioning a survivor’s faith will only add more anger and confusion to what they are already experiencing.

Grappling with God Creates Opportunities

The word ‘grapple’ means ‘wrestle.’

When you grapple with God, you are wrestling with God, figuratively.

What does that mean? Are we fighting God? Should Christians grapple with God?

“If they are suffering, they are probably grappling with God,” said LifeSupport Pastor Paul Johnson, whose son was murdered. “There is some kind of questioning going on there. There is a real opportunity to reach out in faith and help that person grow. So, from a practical perspective, it is important because there are people that are suffering, and from a spiritual perspective, it helps people develop their relationship with Christ in a new way.”

As with all mental health struggles, grief provides opportunities to connect sufferers with Christ.  The church needs to allow survivors to grapple, or wrestle with God, so their relationship with Christ can survive and thrive.

You can explore these stories of loss and others in the LifeSupport Worst Loss group curriculum. 

You can hear more of Barb’s story on the LifeSupport Podcast 

Grappling With God Read More »

Who Is The Hero?

Ministry Strategy, Writing To Equip The Church

LifeSupport - with contribution from Ian Burns

Who is the Hero?

One of the things we focus on is how we communicate with people about LifeSupport.  We are guided in this area by marketing guru Donald Miller, CEO of StoryBrand.  One of the foundational elements of marketing that Miller teaches is that, rather than us, the customer should be the hero of the story.  In other words, you are the hero of our story.  When we create and distribute ministry resources, we focus on acting as a guide for you as you do the heroic work of ministry. 

Who is the Hero in Your Church?

For the people you are trying to reach, the story is about them – until it’s about Christ.  Christ is the ultimate hero but if we don’t make the people in the pews the hero first, they won’t understand how Christ can be the guide for their life.

A Little Background on Heroes

Superman didn’t always have a weakness and kryptonite didn’t always exist. Radio listeners and comic book readers were losing interest in a hero who had no limitations. The producers and writers needed to introduce a weakness which Superman’s villains could attack. (Shelton, 2021).  The writers learned a lesson that shows up in all great movies, a hero is defined by the obstacles they have to overcome. 

The Current State of Heroes

We’ve all just experienced a year of obstacles.  Covid has disconnected us in profound ways. In states of uncertainty, exhaustion, loss, and multiple stressors many people no longer feel like a hero, experiencing guilt and/or stigma in their weakness.  Sometimes the hero faces overwhelming obstacles.  If you look through literature and movies you’ll see that most successful heroes required a guide to help them through the obstacles.

The church has the opportunity at this time to act as a guide for the heroes in our pews.  The church is able to hold out the ultimate help for a world of struggling people, in a word: “Jesus”, but not the sanitized version of Christ that shows a detached, and pristine savior.

We as hurting human beings need a God who knows our struggles intimately. Just as a Superman without kryptonite fails to inspire, a detached omnipotent being who does not deeply know suffering, provides little courage in the face of everyday trials.

Charles Spurgeon expressed it well: “But there is one very comforting thought in the fact of Christ’s ‘being made perfect through suffering’ — it is, that He can have complete sympathy with us. He is not a high priest that cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities. In this sympathy of Christ, we find a sustaining power.” (Spurgeon – Morning and Evening, 2021). 

Take Aways

  • The present suffering in our world creates opportunities to reach people and to help people be like Christ.
  • God sees people as his heroes. Heroes need help to overcome the obstacles of life.
  • God equips those in ministry as hero-guides
  • Difficulties are not due to a lack of righteousness or blessings. Jesus was divine, but was born in a stable’s uncomfortable manger, due to no space being available to Him, mocked by religious leaders, as well as being humiliated and subjected to agony through crucifixion.
  • Stories of overcoming through Christ are excellent tools for evangelism.
  • Recognize the heroes in your church and share their stories.

Interested in Learning More?

Our latest Free Webinar, Attachment and Trauma – How it Impacts Body, Soul and Spirit is coming up on June 16, 2021.  Presenter Melinda Cathey is a therapist who spent nearly 30 years working with orphanages and trains and consults on trauma informed therapy Melinda will share information on how church communities can become safer and more compassionate environments that help people partner more effectively for healing trauma.

Ian Burns

Contributing Author
Ian Burns is a South African school teacher and psychology student. His long term aim is to qualify as a psychologist or counsellor. He believes that a combination of psychology and experiencing Jesus practically can lead hurting people to greater healing.

Who Is The Hero? Read More »

self perception

Perceptions Are Everything

Counseling, Writing To Equip The Church

Table of Contents

Self Perception

Self-perception can trap us in harmful behavior.  Our past experiences create deeply held beliefs about ourselves.  These beliefs can create barriers to changed behavior because our experiences are fundamental to our perceptions of “truth” in the world.

“It’s impossible to live right if you believe wrong.”

I can’t remember who said this quote, but I remember the quote because it so succinctly captured what I was seeing in the traumatized kids I work with, what I was learning in my neuroscience studies, and the truth in Scripture I had memorized; “Be not conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is the good, acceptable, and perfect will of God” (Rom. 12:1-2).

How Do We Come To Believe What We Do?

 Whether they are beliefs about God, yourself, or the world in general; you might be surprised to learn how much of your beliefs are based on your experiences rather than on any teaching you received. What we are taught will only be regarded as true to the extent that it is compatible with our reality or our own experience. It looks something like this:

For example, let’s say one day your mother is taking you for a walk in your stroller. Out of the blue the neighbor’s giant boxer jumps up on your stroller, barks, and tries to lick your face. Your body is designed to pick up all the accompanying sensations; the sound of the barking dog, the sight of it’s teeth showing, the feel of the tongue on your body, etc.  What happens next is the key. In a process that is still not fully understood, our mind makes meaning out of this experience. Almost instantaneously your brain determines if this experience is pleasurable or threatening and releases the corresponding neurotransmitters; adrenaline for threat and dopamine for pleasure.  How we understand our experience becomes our perception. If our perception is “Dogs are mean and scary”, we will feel fear.  The next time we encounter a dog, we will probably try to avoid it. We might even say we hate dogs. People with dogs will not encourage their dogs to engage with us, and we will persist in our perception that dogs are mean.

On the other hand, if your perception was, “The doggy wants to play with me”, “Dogs are fun”, you will feel happy. The next time you encounter a dog you will attempt to pet it and play with it. It probably will play with you. This will further your perception that dogs are fun.

In short, our experiences create our perceptions which largely determine our behaviors. Our behaviors often create self-fulfilling feed-back loops that deepen our perceptions. What we think is profoundly important. Our thoughts impact what neurotransmitters get released and thus, our very brain chemistry. Our thoughts also determine our emotions. For example, it is neurologically impossible to think you are worthless and feel happy. Likewise, you cannot believe you are safe and loved and feel fear. And the vast majority of time our behaviors are driven by our emotions, whether we are aware of them or not. When was the last time you intentionally reached out to someone in whose presence you feel afraid? Or when did you lose your temper with someone to whom you feel great compassion?

Behavior is the Symptom

This is the problem with trying to bring about transformation in yourself or others by primarily focusing on behaviors. Behaviors are not the problem, but rather the symptoms of the problem. The root problem is our thinking. We often say that Jesus is really after our hearts and we see this in his many encounters with people. When we say that, we don’t mean that Jesus is trying to deal with a person’s physical heart and address their clogged arteries. Rather, we understand that He wants to get to the crux of the matter and deal with the core issue. The woman at the well, the woman caught in adultery, the tax collectors, the prodigal son; all had major sin behaviors. But when they encountered Jesus His concern seemed to be first and foremost that they knew and believed that He was the Son of God. Then He wanted them to experience and understand that as such He knew them, He knew everything about them and everything they were doing. And in spite of that, He loved and valued them, had the authority to forgive them, and the power to heal them. Then He invited them into a relationship with Him and a new way to live based on these truths. He was challenging their core perceptions of themselves, the world, and God.

Transforming the Mind

The Hebrew word for “heart” (Lev) is what we call the “mind” or “the will”.  And this is why Scripture implores us to transform our minds. A huge misconception prevails in the church when we equate the “will” with behaviors instead of with the mind. This leads to beliefs that we can simply flip a switch, grit our teeth, try harder, and change our behaviors. I have not found that theory to be helpful in my own life or in any life of the many orphans, traumatized kids, or counseling clients I have seen over the last 30 years. When we understand that our “will” is actually connected to our minds, we get a lot more serious about transforming our minds.

The Lord tells us in Matthew 6:22-23; “The lamp of the body is the eye; if therefore your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore, the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!” Again, Jesus is not concerned with our blue or brown eyes and whether or not we have cataracts, but rather with what we see. That is, our perception or understanding of reality. If our perception of ourself, the world, and God is based on truth, then our whole body will be full of light. Our very neurotransmitters and brain chemistry will be impacted. Our emotions will be able to find the peace that passes understanding (Phil. 4:6-8). Our will, our choices, our ability to love others will increase as we are rooted and grounded in the love of Christ for us and filled up to all fullness (Ephes. 3:16-19). We will be like cups so full of His love for us that we won’t need to act out of a desperation to get our own needs met. When our deepest needs are met by Him and His love, then we will be able to give to others out of our abundance and overflow.

But if what we see, our perception, is not based on truth, Scripture tells us the whole body will be full of darkness. Neuroscience supports this. People with perceptions of worthlessness and powerlessness are flooded with stress hormones that impact their emotions, physical health, behaviors, and relationships.

Understanding Your Self Perception

It is important to understand that most of our perceptions are subconscious. Our core perceptions or beliefs have been hard wired into us by the time we are three years old. Am I loved and valued? Is the world safe and predictable? Are people basically good and trustworthy? Do I have the power or ability to get my needs met? Is God a good, kind, faithful God? The most important things we believe become like the hard drive of our brain that is installed way before we develop conscious memory. These become the narratives on which we build our lives. This seems a bit unfair! If our minds and perceptions are formed from our experiences and we have been unfortunate enough to have had negative, abusive, or neglectful experiences, what are we to do?

Some Practical Tips

  1. Do an inventory. “Behold, Thou does desire truth in the innermost being. In the hidden part Thou will make me know wisdom.” (Ps. 51:6)
    • “Search me O God and know my heart; Try me and tell me my anxious thoughts.”  (Ps. 139:23)  “The spirit of man is the lamp of the Lord, Searching all the innermost parts of his being.” (Prov. 20:27)
    • Journal. What do you really think about yourself? Are you valued? Loved? Worthy? Able to be forgiven? Have a purpose for your life? Belong somewhere? What do you really think about God?  Is He good? Kind? Faithful? Predictable?        Available? Interested in you? What do you really think about the world?  Are you safe in it? Do you have the ability, know-how to get your needs met? What do you really think about relationships?  People can/cannot be trusted?  You can/cannot really be loved? They are unpredictable? Worth/not worth sacrificing for?
    • Pay attention to your body. Take 5 minutes in the morning, afternoon, and before bed to just tune in to your body. Are you tense or relaxed?  Is your heart rate elevated?  Do you have headaches? Knots in your stomach? Knots in your neck? This will tune you in to your emotions.  Do you feel peaceful? Happy? Anxious? Depressed? This helps you verify if you have understood your perceptions in “b” above correctly. Your perceptions and emotions should correspond. Your body will tell you the truth. If you think you feel secure and loved and purposeful your muscles will be relaxed. If you are aware you think you are powerless and incapable of receiving love your muscles will be tight, heart rate elevated, etc. If you have clearly identified your core perceptions go to #2.  If you have not repeat steps “a” and “b”.
  2. Get In Scripture
    • Study the Psalms or Bible characters to whom you can relate. What were their struggles in perceptions? How did God change them? 
    • Find Bible Study Guides to help you study certain characters like David, Gideon, Habbakuk,  Jonah, Ruth, Peter or Paul.
    • Wrestle with God as you seek to align your perceptions with the truths in His word.
  3. Ask the Lord to meet you on the way
    • The Lord delights for us to taste and see that He is good, that He loves us, that He is for us. He knows that our perceptions are based on our experiences. He designed us that way. He knows that we cannot believe something we are taught if it does not line up with our reality. He longs  to meet us and give us corrective experiences. Ask Him. “We have not because we ask not.” (James 4:2)  
    • Ask Him to open your eyes to what He is already showing you and ears to what He is saying to you. 
  4. Pray for new experiences with safe people to correct your false perceptions
    • Take slow, deliberate steps as you enter unchartered waters; learn how to discern who are safe people you can trust (if this is hard for you ask a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor).  
    • Ask the Lord for a mentor someone who can help walk this journey with you who is further down the road as a Jesus follower and in knowledge of truth especially in areas of our identity in Christ.
  5. Seek a counselor – Get the help you need.

Remember,  “It’s impossible to live right if you believe wrong.”

Self Perception Resources:

Check out Melinda’s previous LifeSupport article, Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

Melinda A. Cathey M.A.

Co-Founder, The Harbor, St. Petersburg, Russia Consultant/Educator for Trauma Informed Care
Melinda lived in St. Petersburg from 1992 -2002 with her husband, Mark, and their three children. Prior to their time in Russia, Melinda received her MA in Counseling Psychology from Trinity International University in 1985 and practiced individual, family, and marriage counseling in a variety of settings: community health, church, private practice. While in Russia, she co-founded The Harbor with Alex Krutov in 2001 and served as its Executive Director until 2015.  The Harbor was the first transitional care program of its kind in St. Petersburg and the second in Russia. Most recently, Melinda completed TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) Educator Training in 2015 under the study of the late Dr. Karyn Purvis at TCU in Dallas, TX. She now trains and consults on trauma informed therapy and The Harbor model of residential care with those working with orphans or foster kids in any capacity. Her training of TBRI principles has been enthusiastically received in Russia, Ukraine, Mexico, Bolivia, and the U.S.

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A grieving mom

Talking About Grief

Grief

Table of Contents

Before You Speak Out

Talking about grief is tricky. When someone loses a loved one, many of us want to help and be supportive.  But, in our desire to act we tend to say to them the first thing that comes to our minds:

“I can’t imagine how you feel.”

“How are you?”

“He/she’s in a better place.”

These are some examples of things that are commonly said to a person in grief that both survivors and mental health professionals have said are the wrong things to say. We may have the best of intentions when we want to say something to someone in grief, but if we are not careful, we can actually do more damage than good.

Here’s what they might be thinking

“I can’t imagine how you feel.”  – “Duh!  Of course you can’t imagine how I feel!”

How are you?” – “How do you think I am?, I’m shattered!  I don’t even know how to feel this and you want me to put it onto words?”

” “He/she’s in a better place.”  “Is he/she?  How do you know?  Also, I don’t want them in a better place.  I want them here where they belong.”

The Person in Grief Will Never be the Same

Before speaking to someone in grief, keep these things in mind:

A traumatic experience or the sudden loss of a loved one will have life-long impact on a survivor. It’s fair to say that most of us expect everyone to grieve over the loss of a loved one, but many are not informed about the importance of long-term after-care.

The friends of a survivor might expect him/her to get on with life as usual after a certain amount of time, believing the adage that time heals all wounds.

In an interview for LifeSupport’s Worst Loss series, Beth Chaya talked about losing her son, John, and the months afterwards.

“A lot of times people would say, ‘It’s been six months, are you over it yet?’ We are still dealing with the ‘why’ question 19 years later.”

Love is an Act, Not a Word

A better approach to someone grieving is a gesture, a gift or act of service…it doesn’t have to be something elaborate, time consuming or expensive.

After the funeral for Beth’s son, some people just went back to their normal lives.

“It was so empty and that is why I was so grateful to the people who said, ‘I’m going to show up for the next couple of months and we’re going to do this.”

Beth said someone would come and mow her yard or take her kids to McDonald’s. Another one would just show up at her house and ask her to go out for coffee. Others would send cards on the anniversary of her son’s death.

The More You Say, the Worse it’s Going to Be

If you don’t know exactly what to say to someone in grief, then it would be best not to say anything at all. The chances are the more words you say to someone in grief, the better chance you might say something hurtful.

Here are the three best things you can do for someone in grief:

  1. Be present – Just sitting with someone in a room, offering your presence or help with anything they might need, is huge for survivors. They want to know people care enough to give their time to be with them, not to talk necessarily, but just to be there for them.
  2. If you haven’t been through it, just listen – Unless you have also experienced the same kind of loss the survivor experienced, you cannot really understand what they are feeling. If that is the case, just listen to them, let them say whatever they need to say. This does not mean you have to provide an answer or response.
  3. Let them grieve – Everyone grieves differently. It is not wrong to grieve and we can never expect anyone to “get over it” at any time.

Keeping these things in mind, leaders and congregants will be able to respond to someone grieving the right way without causing more damage or pain.

The LifeSupport Worst Loss Curriculum is an award-winning video and discussion group resource designed to help anyone be better prepared to come alongside a family member, friend, or a church member who has suffered the trauma of sudden loss.  This curriculum includes 6 short films that present real people sharing their stories of loss.

Talking About Grief Read More »

Contagious Healing

From The Writers Desk

From The Writer's Desk - January 30, 2021

I am blessed to help tell the stories of amazingly generous people who have experienced tremendous pain and who have found a way to start healing with God’s help.

Everything we do at LifeSupport starts with story because stories help people know each other, and gain insight about the messy parts of life. When one person shares their story of pain, struggle and healing, others can see that it’s possible to move forward through their own situation. My personal experience with addiction and recovery helped me see that sharing stories provides great opportunities to show others how God has been at work in our lives (often without us even knowing) and how he helps us heal.

Like most addicts, I was pretty self-centered, and my early recovery was no different. I would sit in rooms and listen to other people share their experiences and struggles with recovery, and I would process everything I heard in terms of how it would help me. Fortunately, God has his own design for our healing. I would eventually learn (through lots of stories) that recovery, like the rest of life, is a group activity. As I sat listening to the stories of other addicts, they were helping me heal, and my story became part of their healing too.

This same design applies to all of the struggles that people in the church face. When people have opportunities (and encouragement) to share their stories, hope and healing become contagious. The video stories collected in the LifeSupport Library provide opportunities for people to share stories and start healing.

If you or someone you love is on a healing journey, we want you to know that your healing can be multiplied many times over as your story is shared to encourage others. If you’d like to talk to us about your story please email us at [email protected].

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Front Row Seat

From The Executive Producers Chair

From The Executive Producers Chair - January 23, 2021

One of the joys of also holding a title of Executive Producer, is that I have a front row seat, and have the privilege of participating in all of our productions from start to finish. Often times, I ask the questions for our on-camera interviews, and then am tasked with sitting at my computer during the editing process to make sure the story is told in a powerful way and captures the emotion and intent of the person telling the story. It is also a team effort of camera/audio operators, and always includes our writer and Operations Director, Lee Bailey-Seiler.

When Covid-19 hit last March, we already had 50-60 hours of interviews we had gathered, and decided it was a good time to catalogue what we had and create a site called the LifeSupport Resource Library. With mental health the theme, and story as the tool, we now have over 180 items in the library, including webinars, podcasts, short stories, sermon starters, small group materials, and conferences. I invite you to head to the homepage to see how story can be used for hope and healing, tools that we hope will help equip you to come alongside those who are in pain and are suffering.

And also check out our upcoming free webinar “Depression in a Marriage”, where depression, marriage and ministry meet. Here is the link to sign up: Depression in a Marriage.

In Him, Steve Johnson

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A pastor wrestling with his thoughts

A Pastor’s Suicide

Mental Health Stigma, Pastoral Care, Suicide

Table of Contents

Suicide Among Pastors is a Real Possibility in Your World

Suicide among pastors occurs for similar reasons as in any other group of people.  But, suicide among pastors seems different somehow.  In some ways we hold pastors to a different standard.  In our ignorance, we think they shouldn’t react to struggles and mental illness the way the rest of us do. Some pastors hold onto this impossible view of themselves too.  Suicide is a major killer in America and is almost always attached to mental illness. Those with suicidal thoughts usually have little to no hope, experience tremendous pain, and often feel alone.  Pastors and other church leaders are not immune to mental illness or to thoughts of suicide.

Andrew Stoeklein was a young pastor who was on fire for God who experienced significant mental health struggles.  In a recent LifeSupport Podcast, Andrew’s wife Kayla shared the painful story of the events that led up to Andrew’s suicide and what she learned from it.

Ministry leaders can learn some important lessons about mental health and suicide from the insight she received after these traumatic experiences.

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW.  REACH OUT FOR HELP.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Faith Does Not Eliminate Mental Illness

Kayla described her husband as someone who dedicated his life to God. Andrew, was the son of a pastor and when his father passed away, the torch of pastoring the church was passed on to him. Andrew was still growing as a pastor and this was a big role to fill.  People place a lot of expectations on ministry leaders (and themselves).  When it comes to mental health, those expectations are often unrealistic.

“I think the biggest misconception is that when someone has enough faith, they love God, spending enough time in scripture, that they’ll never struggle with their mental illness,” Kayla said.

Take it from a pastor’s wife… “having all the faith in the world cannot keep you safe from mental illnesses.” And yet, in the presence of mental illness, some churches question a person’s faith, addressing the sin in their lives in an attempt to diagnose the issue.

“There is also a misconception that mental illness, like depression and anxiety, is something that can be treated right away,” Kayla said. “And I think those misconceptions are harmful, I think they are hurtful, and I think that they are not accurate.”

Mental Illness is a Physical Illness

Our church culture has differentiated mental illness from other illness and that has created a stigma around it that creates shame and guilt for those battling it.

Kayla made the point that we must view mental illness like other illnesses and health issues.

“It is a real physical illness,” she said. “Andrew had a real chemical imbalance happening in his mind, his mind was really sick. It’s a pain problem. You know, it was this real physical illness, it wasn’t a choice. He never would have chosen this.”

God Never Abandons Those Struggling With Mental Health

Just because you have a mental illness or your loved one has a mental illness, does not mean that God is not present in the situation.

We live in a fallen world, which brings disease and death to all mankind. Mental illnesses are a part of that fallen state, and Christians of all kinds will be impacted by it.

“I would say keep showing up,” Kayla said. “If you feel like God is silent, if you feel like God’s not there, I would say keep allowing yourself the space to sit with him. None of us are exempt from those desert seasons, you know, they come for us all. But I truly believe that God has promised to be there with us, and I think he is there with us whether we feel like he is or not.”

Suicide Among Pastors is a Real Possibility in Your World

  • It’s hard for pastors to feel like they can show any weakness.

  • It’s hard for pastors to feel like they have the space to be human.

Apply This Information

  • Define a safe, non-judgmental process in your organization (with specific people responsible) that allows ministry leaders to safely reach out for help when they are struggling with any mental health issue including suicidal thoughts.
  • Educate all ministry leaders on suicide prevention resources. We recommend LivingWorks prevention training 
  • As a leader, deciding how much to share about yourself can be difficult. Develop advisors or consult team members who can pray, guide, and encourage you through these decisions.
  • When deciding how much to share, ask yourself what positive outcome could come from your transparency for someone who is suffering a similar struggle.
  • Plan an annual mental health message series for your church. Enlist church staff/leaders to contribute their own struggles for illustration purposes.  We have a library of short sermon transition videos with stories of mental health struggles at https://lifesupportresources.org/mental-health-transition-videos/

Kayla Stoeklein is the author of the book “Fear Gone Wild,” which addresses mental health issues and how to walk alongside someone with mental illness.

A Pastor’s Suicide Read More »

Real or Fake

Leadership Transparency Doesn’t Just Grow Your Church

Mental Health Stigma, Writing To Equip The Church

Table of Contents

Leadership transparency and mental health

Leadership transparency doesn’t just grow your church, it shreds stigma.  Let’s face it, as Christians it can be very difficult to share our struggles with those in church. Leaders, like all of us carry some fear of judgement or shame. However, church leaders carry the burden to walk the walk, which means swallowing hard to set an example for others no matter how much we want to hide.

Those battling mental illness can relate to the fact that there is stigma attached to what they’re facing. Unfortunately, mental health has been an issue that many churches feel inadequate to address, so it either is handled the wrong way or not addressed at all. This makes sharing mental health struggles even more difficult.

In our experience, churches where leaders are transparent and willing to talk about their own struggles set an example that multiplies hope.  When a leader is vulnerable people see (sometimes for the first time) that it’s okay to share and ask for help.  In a transparent church people start to heal.  Along the way these churches also attract people.

For one pastor who shared his struggles, it ultimately helped others find freedom.

Read more on stigma in the church here – https://lifesupportresources.org/mental-health-stigma-solutions/

Pastors get hit with life like anyone

Pastor Ben Courson is the founder of Hope Generation and in an article recently published by the Christian Post, he shared his battles with depression and suicidal thoughts. He experienced different kinds of trauma ranging from the death of his sister, the suicide of a friend and the end of a long-time relationship.

He was eventually diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

“My counselor said, ‘You have one of the most difficult cases of depression I’ve ever had to treat,’’ Courson recalled in the interview.

He shared staggering numbers from the CDC that found that 30 percent of millennials said they had thought about suicide in the last 30 days.

“So, it’s not just me,” Courson said. “Our whole generation is going through this clinical depression, and nearly half of people report being harmed in their mental health since the coronavirus hit.”

Pastors are not perfect. Yes, we look to them for guidance and understanding, but everyone is struggling with something.

A major misconception

Mental illness is unique among other illnesses because it has stigma attached to it that makes many believe that there is something wrong with them spiritually.

Courson said a common misconception surrounding people who struggle with mental illness is that they are ‘weak.’

In the interview with the Christian Post, he cited Hebrews 2:10 which speaks of Christ being made ‘perfect’ through suffering.

 

God, for whom and through whom everything was made, chose to bring many children into glory. And it was only right that he should make Jesus, through his suffering, a perfect leader, fit to bring them into their salvation.

Hebrews 2:10

Leadership transparency attracts people who need hope

To deal with the stigma surrounding mental illnesses in the church, the best way is to simply acknowledge it and  share experiences.

“The very things that seem to create mental illness in us, or feeling ostracized or separation anxiety…out of that fire and tribulation, He (God) comes to create a fire that can actually be an asset,” he said.

A pastor who shares his or her mental health struggles, helps position their church to grow because people will recognize the church as a safe place to find God and God’s helpers.

See the article mentioned in its entirety at https://www.christianpost.com/news/pastor-shares-how-god-used-his-suicidal-ideation-to-help-others.html

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Love the mess

Loving People With Mental Illness

Christian Community, Mental Health Stigma

It's Not Complicated

Loving people with mental illness is different than curing them.  Sometimes we complicate things.  A common trap that many church leaders fall into when seeking to help people is attempting to diagnose mental illnesses.

Diagnosing a mental illness should be left to mental health professionals. The church should simply be in the business of loving someone the way Jesus would love them.  That means creating environments of transparency, where we reduce stigma and where it’s okay to be hurting.

What Do We Label Sin?

In a recent LifeSupport interview, Pastor Paul Marzahn of Crossroads Church in Lakeville, MN addressed this and the ways the church can create a culture that reflects God’s love in a place where people can safely seek help for the problems of life.

Marzahn said it is common for pastors and ministry leaders to put too much emphasis on the sin in a person’s life when mental illness is concerned.

“Often times we say, ‘This, this and this are wrong and if you do these things, you are a terrible person and you are far from God,’” Marzahn said. “If I share it in that manner, then people are going to be very reluctant to come forward and say those are their issues.”

Segregating "problems" Can Reinforce Stigma

Too many times, churches will not openly talk about mental health and when a person brings their struggles to the church, they are referred to a counselor or a group of some kind. However, these people need to understand that they are not different from others in the church and are loved the same.

“If we remind people that we are all sinners and need God’s grace, that we all have problems that pull us from God, then they will see that we are open for them to come forward and help them,” Marzahn said. “But if they feel judged, or a sense of not being welcomed, then there will never be the opportunity to help them.”

A mental illness is just like any other illness that needs a diagnosis from a professional, sometimes needs medication and needs the church community to love them, support them and pray for them.

Need Help Loving People With Mental Illness?

The Library of LifeSupport videos and group curriculum are built to help reduce the stigma of mental illness.  The LifeSupport Podcast shares stories of real people that can help your church support others.  If you or your church needs help connecting with a mental health professional, contact us at [email protected].

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