Addiction

Life Transformation

Addiction, Prison Ministry

Life Transformation - Always Personal - Always Shared

Some people have a pretty accurate picture of who they are and have never felt the need to drastically change their life.  But for some of us, life transformation is vital to the ability to move forward in life. There are many men and women in our world who reach a point when they look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person they see. If you’ve never faced a future absent of hope and choice, you can’t know how impossible real life change can seem.

Hopeless

A few years ago I reached a point when I didn’t know how to do life anymore because I didn’t know who I was.  I had done everything in my power that I could do to fix my problems and it wasn’t enough.  The country was in a deep recession, my business was suffering badly and our family was facing overwhelming financial losses.  I had been led to believe that I should be able to deal with all of life’s troubles on my own power and overcome any obstacle that was placed in my path, this was impossible.   After years of falling short of who the world wanted me to be, I ran out of hope and options.  Every future I could imagine scared me to death. I had lost track of who I was and I looked for something to ease the fear. The answer I turned to was alcohol.

For a long time, alcohol allowed me to hide away from my fears and responsibilities.  Of course, alcohol was a false solution to my problems and addiction charged a heavy price in terms of physical health, damaged relationships and feelings of worthlessness. Eventually alcohol stopped working for me and my world came crashing down.  This time I was hopeless and out of options but now I was without answers. I needed a new answer for how to do life.

Transformation Requires Community

Through a few caring people, God led me to a recovery ministry where I found a group of people who shared my experiences, who demonstrated vulnerability and trust, and who would help me explore my past and my ideas of who I really was in God’s eyes.  The hard work of self-exploration taught me that the assumptions I had about my identity were based on false information.  These experiences also taught me that other people were essential to the life change I needed.

The Lifeblood Curriculum

The misunderstanding of self-identity is a common theme for people whose lives have gone in a wrong direction. For those in jail or prison, life has taken a dramatically wrong direction.  Lifeblood, our first curriculum was created to support reentry from incarceration.  Through programming inside jails, prisons, and community-based reentry facilities, Lifeblood gives participants the opportunity to explore their identity and to begin to transform their lives.  Lifeblood groups provide safe spaces where members are free to share their experiences while they support and learn from others. These groups also give people opportunities to adjust their understanding of essential life themes having to do with family, relationships, decision-making, the future, and more.

The men and women who sit down together for a Lifeblood group make a commitment to the hard work of finding a new way to do life.  We present the opportunity for participants to move off in a new direction for life as Christ followers and we love to see them recognize the plan that God had for their lives all along. That’s why we do our work, to help people see who they are and find a future they never imagined possible.

You Are Part Of God’s Solution

Just as life transformation can’t happen without the help of others, the work of this ministry can’t happen without the gifts, time, and resources of many people.  We are grateful for the people who support the work of transforming lives.  Whether you pray for us, volunteer in correctional facilities, share your expertise, or support us financially you are part of God’s plans to bring people closer to Christ and to transform lives. 

Thank You!

If You'd Like To Help

If you have expertise, gifts or time that you would like to share with us please email steve@fivestonemedia.com

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Helping Satan Fail

Addiction, Christian Community, Mental Health Stigma

Helping Satan Fail In A Season Of Addiction

This time of year many of us celebrate the birth and life of Christ, seeing his time on earth as a gift to us from a loving father.  There are others in our world who experience this season as one of dark loneliness.  Those who are stuck in the clutches of addiction can’t imagine being in the embrace of God. Believers can see Christ’s life and death as our way forward in a lost world.  As believers, we have a wonderful opportunity to hold out the hope of that redemption to the addicted who believe that they are beyond hope.  Every one of us knows someone who is struggling with addiction, or who has a family member who is addicted. This is a season when believers can put God’s plan into motion for those who need a spark of hope to move forward.

Jim Moore was our guest on a recent LifeSupport podcast and told the amazing story of how his life was redeemed after falling into a deep well of darkness, full of addiction and depression.

Jim Moore

Jim felt like a big shot. He had a great career in management and was a national spokesman. He was taking care of his family and things seemed to be going very well. But out of nowhere, a dark depression came over him and his job and people in his life started to slip away.

Jim’s teenage son fell into the world of drugs and went missing. Jim thought his son was dead and he became full of guilt and to cope, Jim started to self-medicate. He lost his motivation and engagement with people at work became more distant. Eventually, he lost his job. His wife didn’t know what to do as their finances got tighter and tighter.

To make matters even worse during this time, Jim was diagnosed with cancer. He was given only a 40 percent chance to live and the self-medicating with drugs and alcohol became a full-fledged addiction.

At 55 years-old, Jim felt like he had nothing to live for. He wanted to die. He entered Minnesota Adult & Teen Challenge with the intention of being there for only 60 days. However, God had other plans and Jim ended up staying there much longer. During his time in Teen Challenge, Jim really met Christ for the first time.  His experience with redemption would lead Jim into the best years of his life.

When Jim graduated from Teen Challenge, he decided to stay as an intern. He would end up working there for the next 10 years.

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Effective ways to help those with addictions

Jim is a testimony of how real love from Christ-like people can help someone change their lives dramatically. During the LifeSupport podcast, Jim shared some insightful ideas of how a church or believers can support someone in addiction:

  1. Stop the stigma – It is easy to label people in our culture nowadays. For churches to reach people struggling with addictions, they need to get rid of the judgement and stigma. Those who are struggling need to be viewed as the son and daughters of God. Stigma creates fear and leads to isolation for those who are in need of a community of help and support.
  2. Get a deeper understanding – Relationships need to be established with anyone that needs help from addiction. Once the person struggling realizes that someone wants to know them in spite of their addiction, then trust and a real relationship can form. Jim says that an addiction is like sinking in quicksand, the only thing that can get you out is a rope. Jesus is the rope that believer can throw.
  3. Don’t expect perfection but hold them accountable – When someone has a chronic addiction, the church should not expect them to never relapse.  Everyone needs one more chance, no matter how many they have had before. However, if someone is truly trying to change, it is important to hold them accountable.
  4. The church should be redemptive and restoring – Instead of keeping an arm’s distance from people who have addictions, criminal history, or mental health issues, the church should welcome these people with open arms.

Let’s make some more of ‘Satan’s Failures’

Jim refers to himself and others from Teen Challenge as ‘Satan’s Failures.’ His story is a story of redemption and transformation. After retiring from Teen Challenge, Jim spends his time volunteering in prison ministry to help others find the hope that was held out to him.

No matter how lost one might seem, no one is beyond the reach of God.

LifeSupport

We created lifesupportresources.org to help you start discussions about mental health, to help remove stigma so people can find hope and healing through God. We pray that LifeSupport helps you grow your church.


If there are other reasons you don’t share your struggles, we’d love to hear them and will treat your communication as confidential. Please email any comments to lee@fivestonemedia.com

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Even Messy Stories Can Be Useful

Addiction, Ministry Strategy

There are people in your church who have suffered. They have stories to share that will help others who experience similar struggles.  If you work in church ministry, God has positioned you to hear, collect, and use those stories to help people know God.  The following is part of the way I saw God in my story.

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The Messy Part of my Story.

On Sunday morning, January 13, 2013 I arrived home after a 12-hour blackout, drunken drive around the Twin Cities.  I walked through the house, into our bedroom and passed out on the bed.  A few minutes later, I sat back up again and the bedroom was full of cops.  My wife had been in contact with the police through the night when I went missing and not knowing what condition I was in or what I might do, she called them to come over as soon as I got home that morning.

I was a mess. By that point in my years long addiction to alcohol, I had tried everything in my power to change my life.  I had reached a point where I could no-longer see a way forward.  I didn’t know how to do life anymore.  It made no sense to me.  I would drink till I passed out at night, hoping that I would just not wake up the next day.  But morning would come along, I’d wake up, and I’d think “You’ve got to be kidding me, I have to do this again?”

So I sat up in bed that day surrounded by cops, with no clue why they were there, and out of desperation I gave up.  I thought to myself, “okay God, if you are going to keep waking me up, you are going to have to take over. Cause I don’t know how to do life anymore”.  I said out loud “I give up.”  And I felt immediately, a sense of calm and certainty that everything was somehow going to work out. I didn’t know how, and I knew it wasn’t going to be because of me, because I had stepped away and placed God in charge. All I know is that I was absolutely content with whatever was going to happen. 

That day when I gave up and stopped trying to control my life, everything changed.  I went to the hospital that day and then to inpatient and outpatient treatment, through hundreds of support group meetings, all the while simply following along where God led me, meeting the people that God put in my path, people who would share their experience, their failures and successes with me, people who had credibility.

Here’s Why Messy Stories are so Important

When I was in my addiction I was utterly hopeless.  I used to stand in front of a mirror, with a bottle of vodka in my hand and say out loud “You are not going to drink.”   And you know what?  I drank every time.  Because I didn’t believe myself.  I was trying to listen to ME for life instructions, and I was simply not credible.

In order for me to believe change was possible, I had to hear it from someone believable. Until someone could convince me that they had been in front of that mirror too, and that they had been able to change I couldn’t see change as a realistic possibility.  Until I believed change was possible, change was not possible.

The stories of all those people that God put in my path, people who were willing to share the ugly truth about their struggles, those stories gave me hope that something different was possible, and that I could actually figure out how to do life again, because they had done it.

Here's Where You Come In

Credible stories of redeemed lives are rarely told, and they need to be told often.  If you work in church ministry, God has put you in the ideal position to hear, and gather stories like mine, and then help people see God in those stories.  In our next article we’ll be sharing some practical ways that story can help your ministry, as well as strategies for collecting stories from the people in your church.

We Have Many More Stories To Share

You can hear more of my (Lee’s) story and many more on the LifeSupport YouTube Channel.  The goal of our channel is to help people grow closer to Christ, and inspire hope and healing by sharing stories of real people who have face the struggles of life.  Subscriptions are important on YouTube.  More subscriptions makes our channel more visible which means we can help equip more churches, and we can reach even more people who need hope and healing.

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Things We Don’t Talk About In Church Part 1

Addiction, Mental Health Stigma

Things We Don't Talk About In Church Part 1 - Porn

During a recent LifeSupport podcast Pastor Paul Johnson was joined by Amber Fuller of Fuller Living Counseling. Amber shared her personal and professional expertise on the topic of sexual addiction and the church.  Much of the content in this article is a reflection of Amber’s podcast episode.

If We Don't Talk About It...

The list of things we avoid talking about in the church (in most places really) is long.  Porn is at or near the top of the list for most of us.  Most of us avoid talking about porn at all costs.  It turns out those costs are pretty high.  The challenges of porn are a part of our world and sadly a part of our church communities. The church has an opportunity to make a real difference in this widespread struggle. 

The bottom line is that people in your church are hurting as a result of porn.  It may feel impossible to talk about porn from the pulpit, in the lobby, or in our groups, but your church may be the only place that hurting person can find help.  If the church won’t talk about porn, who do we think will?

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More Common Than We Think

According to Amber Fuller, a licensed family and marriage therapist, more than 50% of the people in your church struggle with sexual addiction.   In a study in the Journal of Sex Research, roughly 55 to 70 percent of men and 30 to 40 percent of women under age 40 reported viewing pornography in a given year*

We all like to think that our church is different, that we are somehow “better than that”  The evidence says otherwise.  Every church needs to face the reality that porn is a part of the lives of the people who attend their church and very likely the staff of the church as well.

Why People Turn To Porn

To over-simplify, porn is used by people to feel good.  The deeper question to be answered is, why do they desire to feel better.  Like any addiction, porn is often an attempt to fill a perceived hole in life.  Porn may provide an emotional distraction, stress reduction, or it may simply be used to alleviate boredom.  If a person believes that something is missing from their lives, the church is ideally placed to provide simple, authentic connections, and opportunities to fill those missing needs through community, care groups, teaching, activities, prayer, and bible study.

Why We Hide It

We live in a world that judges others by what we can see from the outside.  Most people under the age of 60 have been conditioned to find approval through what they present to the world on social media.  The result is a reality with very little reality at all.

Each of us holds onto some specific beliefs (often wrong) about our value. Those beliefs and the things we hear from culture, and the church lead us to conclude that if we were to disclose a personal struggle with porn, that our value would decrease.  One of those beliefs is that they are defined by their porn use.  This leads to the biggest fear of all, “If I tell you who I really am, I might not be loved. If I tell you this one thing, I might not be loved.”

People who live with struggles that have been labelled as unacceptable live with a fear of being found out.  That fear tends to make them isolate themselves and resist deep relationships where vulnerability might be expected.

"The fact that we don't talk about these issues causes people to be isolated, which creates an acceleration of behavior that wouldn't necessarily happen if people felt safe talking about their problems."

Amber Fuller

The Shame Cycle

When we hide away the things that convict us, we feed a cycle of shame that keeps us isolated.  When a person uses porn (or engages in some other shameful activity), they  tend to trigger an inner voice that says “I’ve done a terrible thing”.  The cycle of shame then leads to  “I’m such a terrible person”.  Seeking relief, the person then engages in the activity again starting the cycle all over.  The cycle of shame not only perpetuates (and may accelerate) unwanted behavior, it leads to increased isolation.

The Consequences

The damage caused by the use of porn (or other sex addictions) comes in many forms; damage to marriage and family, trauma suffered by spouses, emotional separation, increased infidelity, separation and divorce, job and financial loss, damaged friendships, and suicide are all possible consequences.  Often the pain is widespread and massive. It’s pretty obvious why people are afraid to confess their struggles with porn.

It’s so human for us to focus on the pain and damage inflicted.  Injured people often ask why God allows such things to happen. A better question might be; I wonder what God will do through this pain?  Consequences sometimes need to happen in order for change to occur.  The pain of exposure is often the key element that allows healing to start, although that healing may take a very long time.

"If you're not disclosing your struggles and if you're not being honest about who you are, if you're walking around performing and acting like you're perfect, you're going to feel really lonely."

Pastor Paul Johnson - LifeSupport Podcast

The Power Of Vulnerability

 As stated earlier, it’s pretty easy to see why people hide their struggles with porn use.  Many of us believe that talking publicly about any personal problem will make others uncomfortable.  Sharing the things we see as problems can make us feel a loss of power or position.  So why take the risk of sharing your struggles?  Why be vulnerable? 

  • You need help – The simple answer is that if you have a struggle that you can’t change on your own, you are going to need to start being open and honest with someone in order to find help. Some of us have a hard time asking for help in part because it requires us to be vulnerable.
  • Vulnerability brings freedom – There is nothing that will help an addict more than finally sharing the truth about their struggle.  Often, the biggest burden an addict carries is the need to constantly hide.  Once the secrets are disclosed in an appropriate way, the addict will find a new ability to take practical steps forward for recovery.
  • Vulnerability grows connections – Think about the last time someone was vulnerable with you.  How did that make you feel?  When someone trusts us with an important part of who they are, we feel special and our connection with that person grows. 
  • Vulnerability is contagious – When we share with someone else we are communicating that it’s safe for them to do so as well.  If you are a leader who is vulnerable, the people you lead will know that you trust them, and will feel safe bring their struggles into the open rather than hiding them away where they can damage your organization.

"There is a freedom for this struggle, a freedom that can only be found in the Lord. That freedom looks an awful lot like community!"

Amber Fuller

Solutions

  • Start talking about it –  We’re not suggesting that you start a counseling service or that you preach about it once a month. But, when and where appropriate, don’t be afraid to “go there”.
  • Be seen as a safe place – People who are caught in a shame cycle need a safe place where they can safely talk (confess) about the things that are convicting them.
  • Prepare the support system – People who are seeking relief from their struggle need Christian community that is equipped and willing to be present as loving, prayerful supporters.
  • Identify your lead helpers – There are people in your church who have navigated these struggles in the past.  Seek them out to help you understand what it felt like to walk through this struggle and enlist them as part of your community of support for others who face similar challenges. 
  • Partner with other churches – There are probably other churches who are dealing with these same issues.  Perhaps there are opportunities for your people (staff and/or congregants) to participate in support groups at a location other than their “home church”.
  • Start formal support groups – There are a number of options to help you start support groups in the area of sexual addiction (see references and resources below).
  • Seek professional guidance – when you don’t know what to do.  The church has created a lot of unintentional pain in the past because those in authority have given inaccurate or incomplete counsel.  Mental health professionals can share much of the load in responding to people in crisis, and can free the church up to concentrate on spiritual care and community support. 
  • Educate yourself and your team – Study what the bible has to say about this topic and how it can inform your activities.  There are excellent resources available to help you learn how to respond to people who need support in the area of sexual addiction (see references and resources below).
  • Prepare for the storm – There is a real possibility that porn will become a problem for one of your church staff members.  We’d all like to think that our people know how to defend against being human but it’s simply not possible.  You and your church board would be well served by having a support plan in place for the day when a staff member brings forward a personal struggle.  It would also be wise to create safe opportunities for staff to share their personal struggles.

References and Resources

  • *Regnerus, Mark, David Gordon, and Joseph Price, “Documenting Pornography Use in America: A Comparative Analysis of Methodological Approaches,” The Journal of Sex Research 53, no. 7 (2016): 873-881.
  • Living In The Shadows LifeSupport Podcast with Amber Fuller
  • Fuller Living and Associates – counseling offices throughout Minnesota and via telehealth.
  • Recovery From Sexual Addiction – an interview by the National Association For Christian Recovery – with Dr. Mark Laaser, author of Faithful & True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World
  • The Conquer Series – video-based series for men addressing sexual addiction and purity, containing Biblical teaching and proven principles to help men conquer porn and walk in freedom.  For groups or individual study.
  • Pure Desire Ministries – Support groups.  Freedom from unwanted sexual behavior
  • Faithful and True – Individual counselling, group sessions and workshops.  Located in the Minneapolis area but with an international reach.  The Faithful and True website includes an online resource store where you can find The Pornography Trap  a book written for pastors and Christian leaders by Dr. Mark Laaser and Dr. Ralph Earle. It addresses the problem of pornography addiction, especially on the internet, and other sexual addictions.
  • Per Amber Fuller – “There is a SIGNIFICANTLY strong correlation between Narcissism and men that struggle with porn addiction. A FANTASTIC resource for pastors when it comes to this is Marriage Recovery Center. They actually have a training specifically for pastors on how to help people in this kind of relationship.

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